I've Finally Stopped Laughing At This...

Okay, so I worked A LOT last week. Too much I suppose. I didn't realize how tired I was...

Got home from work at 10-ish, wash dishes, filter through the mail and sort through the various pieces of life items strewn about the house by nineteen year old. I layer on the jammies, wash the day off my face, scrub my pearly whites and hit the hay around 11:30.

All's well except that the nineteen year old isn't home and for some reason it has me uptight. The mother in me tosses and turns and waits to hear from him.

At two thirty he apparently turns into a pumpkin because that is when he knocked on the door to let me know of his arrival. Thirty minutes of lights on, lights off, pots and pans clanging in preparation of his midnight meal, flushing of toilet, making of his bed, and me with eyes rolling open and closed in frustration as I drift in and out of a fog of exhaustion. I assume I fell asleep around three, who knows.

BEEP....BEEP...beep....BEEP...the alarm goes off at 6:03. I roll out of bed and take the two steps I need in order to reach my right arm and hand to the snooze button of my alarm clock. CLICK!

I don't know exactly how but apparently I feel asleep right then and there standing up because what I remember is my forehead slamming against the bedroom wall and momentarily sliding down it while bent over my bedside stand. WHUMP....SLITHER....and I'm now awake and laughing.

I went back to bed with a dull ache in my forehead and a belly full of laughter bubbling up. I slept for forty five more minutes and went about my day.

Later, when retelling the story to a close friend and again to my daughter I cannot even get the words out without tears streaming down my face at how very ridiculous the whole site must have been. I'm one of those laugh so hard that I cry people. It's not a pretty thing mind you, but it happens.

I know that this story doesn't translate well in written form, you probably had to be there, but I still think it was hilarious how tired I could actually be in order to fall asleep standing up. And yes, nineteen year old slept through the whole thing.

Ruminate Hafiz

This is what I woke up to, well, not exactly. I awoke to RUMINATIONS. The word just ran through my mind again and again. Of course my subconscious knows I go right to my writing when I awaken on my day off and I took this as a message. But there was one problem, I didn't honestly know the meaning of it, so out came Mr. Webster and there it was:

ru~min~ate: to chew one's cud, to think on, meditate

AH HAH! There it is. To think on and meditate, that was the message. See, I have been listening intently to a series of Abraham-Hicks CD's on a variety of topics. These messages resonate so deeply in me that my crown and my chest literally vibrate faster as I listen. The top of my head tingles to the point that I eventually have to scratch the area. The significance of the communications that Abraham offers in my life is immeasurable. As I integrate the lessons I feel my spirit self growing and it pleases me to no end, even if no one elses notices. My thinking is changing. My attitude is changing. Ultimately, my life is changing, and there is more...

Part two to this puzzle of the word ruminate is this. (By the way, ruminations is NOT a word, apparently I made it up!) Last night before sleeping I was reading The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and in this chapter about sometimes "falling off the spiritual wagon" she was berating herself for not being a perfect Being, she was listening to some music and a reading of a poem by Hafiz, the fourteenth century philospher. This poem hit my heart like no other. It sent me flying in a new direction. Read it and weep (or not), but please read it.

You have
not danced so badly, my dear,
trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.

You have waltzed with great style my sweet, crushed angel
to have even neared God’s heart at all.

Our Partner is notoriously hard to follow and
even his best musicians are not always easy to hear.

So what, if the music has stopped for awhile.
So what, if the price of admission to the Divine is
out of reach tonight.

So what my sweetheart, if you lack the ante to
gamble for real love.

The mind and the body are famous for holding the heart ransom,
but Hafiz knows the Beloved’s eternal habits.
Have patience,
for He will not be able to resist your longings
and charms for long.

You have not danced so badly, my dear,
trying to kiss the Magnificent
One.

You have actually waltzed with tremendous style,
my sweet, O my sweet,
crushed
angel.

The picture I did is in marker, colored pencil and chalk. I did it after yet another reading of this beautiful poem that allows me to falter. I feel release. I can forget to center myself, fall asleep before my prayers are complete, I can mistakenly curse when I know I shouldn't, He is smiling at me, watching my little girl dance steps and He says "It's okay kid, you're doing alright."

I believe for me the message of the day is to really think on, truly meditate on these lessons I am recieving. Go deep inside myself (which is something I am not good at)

I feel sooooo much better.

TAM'S HOMEWORK: find more Hafiz and check out Rumi

Pause

Learn to pause or nothing good can catch up to you.

Phew. Today I am ready to pause. It's my third day on the floor of the dining room waiting tables. I'm now behind on paperwork, housework and artwork. I glanced around my desk space and this saying on a handwritten sticky note that hangs over my desk caught my eye and made me remember...breathe. Slow down. Pause.

Catch you when I can, I have to find out today's lunch specials.

Heartwood Here I Come

One hour, forty five minutes, two toll booths, one medium Dunkin Donuts coffee with cream and sugar, lunch at KFC.

Heartwood college of Art and I are going to get along just fine. I sat with Berri who is an administrator, Audrey who is the schools right arm, and Susan Wilder the drawing teacher. I brought my selection of works, laid them out in front of these ladies and let them see what I've done. To my astonishment they only saw the beauty in my pieces. Ms Wilder really loved my black ink tree on the watercolored sky. She recognized my love for layering and noticed a textile design and feel in my work. Berri was floored by the complete connectedness of the charcoal sketches of the naked human form. "You made all the right connections!" she said with much suprise. "So many people can't do that." she explained as she pointed to the shadows under the knees and the highlights on the wrist bones. Audrey smiled politely and seemed genuinely delighted with my pieces.

My nervousness disolved. I had expected criticisms and direction and instead received "All you really need is studio time to enhance your skills."

Yes! yes! YES!

I explained to these women my fear of being put into a box, of having to do it this way or that. I've finally busted out of my self imposed cage and I don't want to go back there. No worries!! Ms. Wilder explained the value of learning technique while understanding that you can do it in art school then drop it forever if you want but the skill will be in your back pocket in case of emergency. Phew.

We discussed the campus. Okay, so the campus is one big building. This suits me. I don't need to waste time wandering along big lawns under gargantuan trees looking for my class. And oh, to my delight I didn't see more than ten chairs in any of the classrooms. The college is small and very student oriented. The teacher-student ratio is small. Inside the building is a large communal kitchen/dining room where students and teachers often sit together for meals. I'm told there is some great conversation going on due to the age difference in students. It's 50/50 traditional students to older gen like me. The young ones don't know Evil Knievel or the civil rights movement and it makes for lively discussion.

Bottom line: synchronicity at it's best, the admin recently decided on a new program called BOOMER U. It's designed for non-traditional students who are traveling from afar, like me. Beginning this fall the school will run ten week intensive courses. This means longer sessions (read four hours instead of two) for ten weeks and then no traveling during the holidays or during Maine winter months. We use the off time to stay home and implement what we learned. September-October-November, DONE! Take a break, start again in March. Then during the three month break they will offer some one week long courses for full credit. I'd say by this time next year I'll have completed four courses and will be in the middle of three more.

Admin determined immediately that I am not in need of a degree, unless I really wanted one, and I don't. They said they felt with my age being a factor why bog down with the busy work and book time involved with a degree. Let's just get to the studio time as quickly as possible. What this means is that I'll acquire a certificate in the field of concentration that I choose, in my case-PAINTING. I'll be doing 5 core classes, 8 painting/drawing classes and 6 electives. This tickles my heart because I was near tears choosing between painting and jewelry design and now I'll do both of those and more, including Book Art! ( EEEEEEEEEEKKK!!)

I am full! So full.

I left with my head spinning and my chest vibrating so fast that I thought I'd sprout wings and fly off. This is what Abraham-Hicks means when they discuss our inner-being speaking to us. The inner being is our emotions, our warning signals. When you are attracting what you want in life you feel good, joyful, excited, anything less than wonderful feelings means you are attracting and putting attention to the wrong things. With this pounding heart and full feeling in my chest I knew I was making the right decision.

I am filled to the brim with glee!! I couldn't wait to get home and do a journal page of my naked breasts with my heat chakra glowing and growing within it. This is how I felt as I made the long drive home.

I've found a new path. Heartwood, here I come.

Catching Up & Giving Thanks

I feel I' ve been away for along time. I'd gotten used to writing every day and now it's been five, wow. I did a quick post a few moments ago but wanted to do a bit more. I want to share the love today!

Melba was the lovely lady who suggested I start a blog. I found hers accidentally about a month ago and now here I am. Thank you for opening the door, Melba, because since this venture began I have met some truly terrific people. I am most grateful for the lessons in jewelry making, antiquing, swapping, e-mailing, mixed media collage, friendship, spirituality and SO MUCH MORE. I've interacted withome great Maine girls and feel on the verge of some really tight friendships.

...And in case anyone is intersted this is what I've been up to for five days.

• I went to Rockland over night with Miss Muffet and my sister in law Cindy. We laughed our fool heads off, shopped till we dropped & drank lots of coffee. Great bonding.
• Spent Saturday morning painting. Did my pre-creation ritual, lit a candle, said a prayer and sat down with my acrylics...was really pleased with my "Explosion of Pink" painting of roses.
• Saturday night I hung out at LakeShore with my crew.
• Breakfast buffet at the cafe was crazy busy and I was silly enough to be wearing my favorite pink sweater so I looked great but was sweating from every pore of my body. Not a pretty thing.
• Monday the waitress called out sick and I ended up working the floor. Cook baked a gingerbread with streusel topping and after sampling some I sold all except two pieces of it. I was so proud of myself, he he. Beyond that I had some really neat synchronicities occur and I could feel the presence of Spirit around me, guiding me. It was good.
• Monday night I almost finished prepping for my Wednesday meeting witht the art school people. I just have a little more to do.

*sigh* So that's it. That's what I've been doing. I've been thinking of my bloggy friends, your art, your deep thoughts and feelings and what an amazing community I've found. I am honored to be part of this. Merci.

This Too Shall Pass

I am finished reading The New Earth by Eckartt Tolle. This is a book that can only be read in small chunks as there is much to chew on. It is also a book worth a second read in order to pick up the pieces that you may have missed the first time.

This too shall pass....a phrase we have often heard, but probably not often really delved into with great thought. Mr. Tolle suggests we use these words, this too shall pass, in order to recognize the fleetingness of every situation due to the transience of all forms, good and bad. We do this in order to lessen our attachment to things.

Be it a joyful situation or a truly upsetting moment, this too shall pass. We must recognize the NOW because that's all there is. If I can remember in this moment of pure joy to experience the moment and truly feel it for what it is and then remember to let it go then I hold no expectations of the future. If, when in deep pain, I can remember that this too shall pass, I can feel it, hopefully shake it, and then move on knowing everything is transient. There is only the moment we are in, nothing future, nothing past. Being in the NOW is key.

I wrote the above paragraphs almost four weeks ago. Today it is worth posting because it is where I need to be, it is where I need to bring my head and my heart. The details don't matter and I'm not one to really divulge a lot. It's enough to know I've been hurt and I am hurting. The fingers are pointing, the whispers can be heard for miles, the cluck-clucking of many tongues echo in my head and it weighs me down. Now to put the words into play: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Soon enough the locals will be chewing on someone else's life and spitting it up. Soon they will all be happy for me and saying "Oh my, she's done well for herself". Soon enough it will all go away...soon enough can't come soon enough sometimes. When did twenty four hours become like an eternity??? ...this too shall pass...this too shall pass...this too shall pass.

Open Letter to Sweetpea

Dear Jes,

I made it to the co-op marketplace before you. I took all the good stuff. The proof is in the pudding!! I took the BEST textiles they had. I got six mustard and white checked fabric napkins all hand embroidered with daisies. I will lay them out the next time I have friends over for coffee. There is a table cover that matches. Woo hoo! Then I found two yards of white and red cotton duck from the forties. I'm going to make myself a full length art apron to wear while painting. Fab, huh Jes? Okay, then there are these great doily like things (I think they are antimacassars) I grabbed three of them for a dollar at the flea market in Union on my way home. And oh, I got a neat old book called Parables of Life that I may read and then use in my work.

Hey, I almost forgot to tell you about the little toy army soldiers for $1 each and the 6" round domed wall hanging of Jesus praying. Great finds, just great.

SO~ don't be upset. I left some stuff at the marketplace like the awesome yellow art deco bedroom set that they had to peel me off from. The nightstand was made to look like a flower, I nearly cried with joy. I also didn't pick up some terrific turquoise jewelry, some block letters for printing and a great no parking sign which I thought would look great hanging in the bathroom next to the toilet. Go get these items if you'd like, I 'll be glad one of us got them.

Thanks for letting me in on your little secret, the marketplace, I mean. Maybe next time we go together?????

** The above post is done in fun. Jes was kind enough to introduce me to a fab antique place here in Maine that I didn't know of...the Rockland Antiques Marketplace. I highly recommend it to everyone who loves a good hunt. Wear sneakers and a sweater the place is big and cold.